I need to be perfect, said the client to the coach…

Who is walking together with you on your path?

I need to be perfect to be happy…

The following story about a client is fiction, this client does not exist. My coaching is confidential, it is between me and the client.

I need to be perfect, said the client, a man, 39 years old and married. He desperately needed my help in order to prepare for an examination, a training he was doing parallel to work and family responsibilities. He had a long CV, with countless trainings, all of them with perfect grades. It would have been perfect, but he had hit a wall. The last exam was a fail, and that left my client sleepless.

Looking into how his life looked life, at the moment, the balance was missing. There was no time left for friends and family. On the topic of rest, and sleep, I felt his frustration. When we explored this feeling deeper, we found that the energy was all spent hunting the next shiny certificate. Why? That was the question. How did you celebrate the last achievement? I had no time, I hade already enrolled on a new course online…

And how would he like his life to look like, what is a 10 out of 10 when it comes to career, or intimate relationships? What would a 10 look like, for him? The reflections led us further to a long history of having to be perfect, never being good enough.

How does it feel to get a test graded with a C? Painful! I hate it! I could do better! I should do better! I am not someone that comes home with a C! That was his reaction. But what was the cost, what did he choose not to prioritize, in order to get the A? Family? The same family he said that he was working so hard for.

Where did the voice come from, the voice that was telling my client that a C was not good enough for him? How could he describe that part of his personality?

On your path, who is walking with you?

After working on this during a several sessions, we could see that his inner critic had been there since his early school years, trying to keep up with a foreign language, not understanding what was said, having to fight hard to pass the grades. He could describe it as a huge character, stepping in in front of him when needed, protecting him from possible failure.

In the last session, I asked him to grade a topic from 1 to 10, and it was on a 5. How would a 10 look like? A 7 is good enough for me, was his answer, spelled out with joy and stability. “I am not trying to be perfect any more, and I wish that everyone could enjoy this feeling of freedom and balance. I actually feel sorry, how I have treated myself, and how I have treated people I care about.” The critic was still there, but small, walking behind him. He was leading, and steering, his life.

Perfectionism can come from many reasons, and what interest me is what makes someone afraid to not be perfect. When we explore this, in the problem, we find solutions. In coaching, we look into the here and now, and the future, to find ways which are new and untested. That does not mean that the history is not interesting, but we are not trying to find the right label or reason. We can’t change the history, but we get to shape our future.

As said in the start, this is a fictional story about a client that does not exist. If it touches you, and your life, get in touch with me!