Unstuck – The Blog

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  • Lifechanging career decisions – why are you afraid?

    Lifechanging career decisions – why are you afraid?

    On a certain level, you feel that you need to change. There are so many things speaking for a change, a move. You wan’t it so bad, yet the scary feeling is also there. What if it doesn’t work out? What if it is not better at all? What if it’s worse? Overcoming the fear of change, how can you do that?

    I have been there! Moving from government service, in the Swedish Army, after 18 years – into the private sector. I know the feeling. This also taught me which kind of decisions you might face to reach the goal. One of those – either you go with the opportunities where you currently are, or you move to the opportunity you want. It can be that simple, yet, who do you have around you that is challenging you to face the facts?

    From this experience, I also know how hard it is to restart you career in a new field. Learning a company culture, a totally different work culture – forcing you to question, why do I want this challenge? Why does my body and mind crave this challenge? These are questions that can put your feet so firm on the ground that you will be able to face resistance and strong winds, because you know where you are going, and more importantly why you want to get there.

    I also know what it takes to move your career, and your family to a whole new country. Different culture, different language. With the curiosity of discovering, all the possibility of doing something wrong also emerges. The rational decisions that needs to be taken to do this, also comes with the emotional side. There are a range of emotions that comes with transferring to a different country. Who is partnering with you to guide you through them, and be by your side throughout this journey?

    So, you want change, but you are afraid of what comes with the change? Let’s discover the reasons behind this! Let’s see how you can solve it, overcoming the fear of change!

    More about taking risks here: What is the biggest risk you could take today? – Unstuck – The Blog

    More about changing perspective to overcome the fear here: https://podcasts.apple.com/ch/podcast/unstuck-podcast/id1620390909

  • I need to be perfect, said the client to the coach…

    I need to be perfect, said the client to the coach…

    I need to be perfect to be happy…

    The following story about a client is fiction, this client does not exist. My coaching is confidential, it is between me and the client.

    I need to be perfect, said the client, a man, 39 years old and married. He desperately needed my help in order to prepare for an examination, a training he was doing parallel to work and family responsibilities. He had a long CV, with countless trainings, all of them with perfect grades. It would have been perfect, but he had hit a wall. The last exam was a fail, and that left my client sleepless.

    Looking into how his life looked life, at the moment, the balance was missing. There was no time left for friends and family. On the topic of rest, and sleep, I felt his frustration. When we explored this feeling deeper, we found that the energy was all spent hunting the next shiny certificate. Why? That was the question. How did you celebrate the last achievement? I had no time, I hade already enrolled on a new course online…

    And how would he like his life to look like, what is a 10 out of 10 when it comes to career, or intimate relationships? What would a 10 look like, for him? The reflections led us further to a long history of having to be perfect, never being good enough.

    How does it feel to get a test graded with a C? Painful! I hate it! I could do better! I should do better! I am not someone that comes home with a C! That was his reaction. But what was the cost, what did he choose not to prioritize, in order to get the A? Family? The same family he said that he was working so hard for.

    Where did the voice come from, the voice that was telling my client that a C was not good enough for him? How could he describe that part of his personality?

    On your path, who is walking with you?

    After working on this during a several sessions, we could see that his inner critic had been there since his early school years, trying to keep up with a foreign language, not understanding what was said, having to fight hard to pass the grades. He could describe it as a huge character, stepping in in front of him when needed, protecting him from possible failure.

    In the last session, I asked him to grade a topic from 1 to 10, and it was on a 5. How would a 10 look like? A 7 is good enough for me, was his answer, spelled out with joy and stability. “I am not trying to be perfect any more, and I wish that everyone could enjoy this feeling of freedom and balance. I actually feel sorry, how I have treated myself, and how I have treated people I care about.” The critic was still there, but small, walking behind him. He was leading, and steering, his life.

    Perfectionism can come from many reasons, and what interest me is what makes someone afraid to not be perfect. When we explore this, in the problem, we find solutions. In coaching, we look into the here and now, and the future, to find ways which are new and untested. That does not mean that the history is not interesting, but we are not trying to find the right label or reason. We can’t change the history, but we get to shape our future.

    As said in the start, this is a fictional story about a client that does not exist. If it touches you, and your life, get in touch with me!

  • Deinem Weg? Ich weiss auch nicht, wir finden es aber zusammen aus!

    Deinem Weg? Ich weiss auch nicht, wir finden es aber zusammen aus!

    “Ich weiss nicht, wohin es gehen soll”, sagt der Coachee oft. Ein Start der mir zeigt, dass du nicht bleiben willst. Was ist eigentlich dein Ziel? Da müssen wir sprechen, ich muss es verstehen. Wenn deine Gedanken in Worte umgesetzt werden, wird es dir auch klar. Wie sieht es am Ziel aus? Was motiviert dich, dorthin zu wollen? Wie fühlt es sich an, wenn du dort stehst? Erzähl es mir!

    Wohin geht deinem Weg? Als Coach helfe ich dir es zu gestalten.
    Sandskär, Schweden. Naturreservat. Foto:Helge Nilsson

    Jetzt ist es klar, so sieht es aus, du weisst genau warum es das Zeil ist. Du bist aber noch nicht da. Es braucht einen Weg, um es zu erreichen. Gibt es nur einen, oder vielleicht mehrere? Was für Gefühle bringt dir der Weg? Ich möchte mehr darüber wissen. Warum gibt es Schmetterlinge im Bauch genau vor einem der Wege?

    https://unstuck-leadership.com/2023/08/26/deine-angste/

    Wenn deine Wahl getroffen ist und der bevorzugte Weg zum Ziel ausgewählt wurde, wie fängt es an? Was ist dein erster Schritt? Wann? Was wird schon heute gemacht? Und nächste Woche? Weiter müssen wir nicht gehen, die Bewegung wird es uns später zeigen. Bewegung bringt Schwung, Freude und Stolz.

    Ich bin stolz auf dich! Vor kurzem gab es keine Klarheit, jetzt kannst du schon die ersten Schritte nehmen. Meine Aufgabe als Coach, der Weg zu finden macht Spass, viel Spass!

    Möchtest du auch deine Reise mit mir gestalten? Ich freue mich auf dich.

  • Das Gespräch mit dem Chef, jetzt erst recht! – Wie der Coach dir helfen könnte.

    Das Gespräch mit dem Chef, jetzt erst recht! In meinem Coaching werde ich dir keine Ratschläge geben, wie du ein besseres Gespräch mit dem Chef führen kannst. Aber ich verstehe deinen Schmerz, glaub mir, und gemeinsam werden wir einen Weg finden – das versichere ich dir! Wenn ich jedoch Geschichten von schlechten Gesprächen erzählen wollte, oh je! Ich könnte ein Lied davon singen. Mit 30 Jahren Führungserfahrung habe ich schon einige Gespräche hinter mir, von allen möglichen Arten, sicherlich auch schlechte. Ich verstehe deinen Wunsch, deine Sehnsucht nach einem guten Gespräch. Früher hätte ich mir auch gewünscht, einen Coach zu haben.

    Was ich dir versprechen kann, ist, dass ich versuchen werde, der Coach zu sein, den du jetzt brauchst. Wie kann der Coach dich helfen? Vielleicht möchtest du dem Chef Feedback geben, bist dir aber unsicher wie. Schlechte Erfahrungen bereiten dir Bauchschmerzen. Hier kann ein Coach eine sehr gute Unterstützung sein, um gut vorbereitet ins Gespräch zu gehen – einfach bereit und neugierig. Wie wäre es, das als Ziel zu haben?

    Ich erinnere mich noch an einen Vorgesetzten, der mir in einem Jahresgespräch empfohlen hat, mehr Schnaps zu trinken. Das ist lange her, aber ich werde es nie vergessen und werde auf jeden Fall kein Mitarbeitergespräch auf diese Art führen. Also, möchtest du das nächste Gespräch als Mitarbeiter oder Vorgesetzter neu gestalten? Darf ich dich dabei als Coach unterstützen? Komm einfach auf mich zu!

  • What is the biggest risk you could take today?

    The question might lead you to think about going all in on the poker table at your casino, but that is not the focus here. It is about life risks, and rewards. It is also not about life and death risks like the ones you would encounter in a war-zone or as an officer of law-enforcement. I could write about those as well, another time!

    What we are talking about is risks like when you are learning a new language. What could happen when you start trying yourself out, speaking where you are not yet skilled? You could be misunderstood, laughed at or say something really stupid without being aware. Safe bet, keep quiet. The right bet, if you ask me, be brave and try, because the reward of being able to communicate in another language is so much higher.

    Another one, quitting your job for a new one, with lower pay but more possibilities and opportunities. Been there, done that, worth it after one year, infinitely more so a couple of years later. I once had a candidate for an open position, great fit, really motivated. Only problem was that the position available was for a 80% contract, and she had a 100% contract with the current employer. The candidate backed out seeing the risk as too high.

    Or, moving for a new role, risking to lose contact with family and friends. Yes, absolutely a risk that you would have to factor in trying to decide if it is worth it or not. Another one, asking the bank for a loan to get your side-business to grow faster than otherwise possible. This is probably the easiest one to calculate, you know what you are asking for, and if it doesn’t fly you will have to pay it back anyhow.

    So, what is the biggest risk that you are contemplating right now? What could it be worth if it works out? And if you fall, what would the worst possible outcome be?

    /Helge

  • Episode 10 – Work as hard on your dreams as you do on your career!

    Episode 10-Work as hard on your DREAMS as you do on your career! – Unstuck Podcast | Podcast auf Spotify

    In this episode, we start talking about how working on that dream is at least as important as being committed to your job and career.

    Of course, you need to be committed to your goals at work, but any of us can loose our jobs, and it does not need to be your own fault. Should that happend, what if you had a side hustle ready to devote more time and energy into?

    And more importantly you should not define yourself only by your role at work. To become more resilient, work on having other roles as well. That makes it easier to get through tough times, to stand tall in the storm.

    Helge tells a part of the experience from northern Sweden, where a lot of the older generation had at least two careers. The shoe repairman was trained by his father to repair shoes on a professional level, still worked his whole working life as a customs officer. His father had the possibility to give him and his brother a second career, a second profession as an added level of security. So he had a workshop in the back of the house, and he became important in the community not for his job but because of the side hustle.

    What skills could you give your children that can give them a future side hustle, or cut living costs in the future? For Mike, one of those could be photography. Helge would choose between scythe moving and tailoring bespoke shirts.

    How can you ramp up your small side hustle to larger levels, like Mike? If you are curious on what his side hustle is, listen to the episode!

  • Episode 9 – Embrace your wierd self!

    Episode 9- Embrace your weird self! – Unstuck Podcast | Podcast auf Spotify

    Episode 9 is a short one, perfect when you are in between things! Mike and Helge talks about how embracing the parts of you that make you unique can give you an important edge. Maybe you were playing it safe at the highschool yard, standing in the corner, making as little noise as possible. Life as an adult should not be like high school, nor like if we where zebras trying to use the camouflage of looking like everybody else.

    When you stand out, you will be remembered, you will make an impact. Embracing the parts about you that are special and not like anybody else, that makes you stand out in the crowd. And just one example, when interviewing for a possible job, standing out from the crowd can get you hired.

    So think about it, what makes you unique, and how could you use it even more to your advantage? How could you tell the story of your special talents, skills or dreams?

  • Episode 3 – introducing Bob

    In episode 3, we introduce Bob. He will be our persona from all your stories and letters. He is changed in such a way that it will not be possible to know which company, country or person he really is.

    Bob had worked almost a decade for his company, loved it, had a good network at work an was really respected. He had absolutely no intention of leaving, on the contrary, he pictured himself as a department manager. After all, he had the experience and knew that he could do the job. Being well liked by the colleauges, it was obvius that he could contribute even more after being promoted.

    One day, that position was free, and Bob applied! After going through the normal process, he got the feedback that he would not be a candidate for the job. Furthermore, he got a list of arguments, a list of why not’s. And to his disappointment, there was more. He was expected to stay as a coworker and train the new department manager, since the new guy was really inexperienced.

    Long story short, Bob found himself leaving a job, a company and an environment that he had loved. He is now successful somewhere else.

    What can we learn here?

    There are at least two lessons here, one for Bob’s manager and one for Bob. We will only talk about what Bob could learn, this giving all of us the possibility not to go through the painful dissapointment he had to.

    If you, as Bob, have a dream, you think that you could do another job well, maybe the one of your manager – does the world know that? Most important, does your manager know? The point here is that if you tell people about your dream, it will be easier to get there, you will in some aspect be held accountable by your environment, which will help you get there. The other point is that if your dream is crystal clear to your manager, you should be able to know if there is support for your dream.

    It might be the case that your manager can’t support the dream, which gives you the possibility to continue anyhow, to prove that he or she is wrong, or to adjust the dream and the goals. All of these choices are better than being surprised and dissapointed that the support was simply not there when the possibility was.

    For sure, getting the message that your potential is not perceived in the way that you see it, that can also be dissapointing. It is still better to get that message early. That feedback, given in the right way, is a gift.

    As Bob, you have to work up the trust with your manager, the trust to talk about the dream. How, start with other people. Maybe your dream is crazy. But crazy dreams sometime comes true for those who will not let them go. So, ask your self, does your manager know your most important dream? Is the support clear?

    Otherwise, what is your plan now?

  • Episode 2 – Mike´s story

    In the podcast, we are segwaying into Mike’s story.

    I was about 6 years into my logistics career, I had mentorships to help me, but I was confused. I grew up a big pleaser, being helpful and of service to others. With that background, sometimes you feel that you please people to a fault. No matter how I helped and served, I wasn’t growing any more, I had plateaued. This is were my story comes from, where I felt stuck.

    It had worked up until a certain point, and that point was a point of responsibility that I had worked for, earned and gotten promoted to. Saying those hard no’s and standing up for yourself is the only way. It doesn’t mean that the next promotion is going to get more people under you, I think if you really want to grow and build your life in an authentic way towards yourself – it starts with saying no. This is the story.

    I got to a point where I had just bought my house, white picket fence, golden retriever, little family. I had a decent paying job, and I felt stuck. I was unhappy even though I had completed my checklist. Personally everything was purchased and done, you know, married and everything is going well. I felt stuck because on the road towards those goals, I did not feel happy. We get frustrated, right, but when it’s not about a moment – it is about being unhappy for too many months, too many weeks. It was not a thing, it was about working 12-14 hours a day to deserve the next promotion, but for what? I didn’t know why I wanted to move on to that next level.

    Today, I know what kept me going. I grew up working hard, by working hard it meant kind of a reciprocal love from a parent or a partner. At the end of the day with my wife, I flet that working hard meant that I could promise that next vacation, that bigger house. By working hard, i fealt that I could get that void filled which was actually the love that I missed. Being vulnerable here, that first marriage was more of a room-mate relationship, and professionally speaking I had plateaued with the mentors I had. They had mentored me to a certain point where they couldn’t mentor me anymore. I started to have my own voice, my own direction, my own leadership style which was different from theirs. It started to clash.

    Personally I had this clash at home because I wasn’t present enough, trying to work hard for that next promotion so I could seek better pay, more things to fill that gap of love which I didn’t have. Long story short, an equation for disaster. You can’t buy love, you can not work towards love – you can only find it. Professionally speaking I was clashing with those mentors that I had looked up to for years because Mike had started saying no. He started having his own voice. I was finding myself at a crossroads where I could lose my authentic self and adapt and please again, but I would lose my leadership style, my new voice, who I really am. OR – I could go all in in the other direction of the crossroads.

    There was another opportunity, a phone call asking me to come to an open position in a french speaking town, 4 hours away. Professionally speaking, I was filling the void by packing my bags, leaving all the preconceived opinions of who I was behind. The labels, the experiences which comes from growing together. Starting from scratch was the best thing for me at that time, it was an opportunity to reinevent myself. At the same time, it was also the most painful thing I had done both personally and professionally. Because of it I went through a divorce, I had the most challenging obstacles of my life at work. Only months after the move, I became the logstics manager of the highest volume store in North America, at the same time going through a divorce – at peak season. Learning how to work with a team with a lot of experience, learning how to work with a union.

    It broke me, and it made me. It was like being the Phoenix, you burn to ashes and rise again. I wrote down my lessons.

    • The moment you feel that your’e being disrespected, either personally or professionally, in a reoccuring fashion – it’s time to go.
    • When you live more in your past than in your present, it’s time to go.
    • When you repeatedly give more than you take, year after year – it’s time to go.
    • When you are given false promises, and here we are all humans, we can promise too much by mistake, but repeatedly – it’s time to go.
    • When you hype who you are – time to go.
    • When you have lost all joy already when you wakeup in the morning, it’s time to go.
    • When you have purposely been made to feel less than you really are, it’s time to go.

    All these lessons might sound negative, that is very much not the case. I am so grateful for those lessons, it made me who I am today. Made me a better husband and father in my second relationship. I am a better leader for it, not perfect in any way, but better.

    Being stuck or unstuck, the line in the sand is, do you feel that your direction is aligned with the people around you, the resources that can help you develop and move? Even if that direction is vague, if there is movement in the right direction, it is OK. Today I am learning by falling forward, and man am I having fun. Aim for it, and if you fall on your face in the right environment, where you can have fun about it – you are not stuck.

  • Episode 2 Being Stuck – Helges story

    This was recorded during Easter, with Mike in Canada and Helge just arriving in northern Sweden.

    It’s about being stuck, how it feels and what to do. We’ll start with Helge’s story.

    More than 20 years ago, I had just gone through a burnout. While a burnout in some cases are caused by a work/life balance that is thrown off, this was purely work related. I could not cope with the tasks I had and the demands that I put on myself together with what the organization had given me. For those that have exerienced it, you know the signs, maybe going to sleep – waking up in the middle of the night, being totally sure that you are late for work. In the shower you realize that you haven´t actually slept more than an hour. Being in the situation, I did not feel enough support at work. I didn´t want to keep doing what I did, I got into conflicts – and the possibilities I was longing for where far, far away. I was stuck.

    So what did I do? I tried to leave. I applied for other jobs, did not get as much as an answer. I also applied for two jobs inside the army which required extensive testing, full days with traveling a 1000 km. I did not get those jobs. What it however did for me was a feeling of doing something about the situation. I was trying to influence my situation for the better. That gave me a calm that I needed, and I focused all my energy only on the tasks that I had. With that, I did a better job and did not get into conflicts. A year later, the opportunities and possibilities that had been so far a way where suddenly open.

    What would the delayed lesson be?

    Sometimes, when stuck at work, the only thing that matters is to keep moving. Baby steps, but keep moving. Focus on today, maybe this week. The movement will bring the energy that you need to succeed.

    In the next post, Mikes story – and more about how to decide on what to do when stuck.